it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Did I show you my penis last night?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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