Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
