My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
