We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Randomize
