I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
smell my finger.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
