Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
