Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
