Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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