We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
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