i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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