I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
