I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
