I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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