I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
