Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
