two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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