I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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