this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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