Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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