Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
