I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
