how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
