Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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