in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
