I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
