so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
