the condom got lost in my hair
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
