Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
