No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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