You really coming over, don't trick.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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