she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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