Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize