Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
