Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
FUCK WHALES
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
