I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
