____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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