I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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