Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
