I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
