he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize