i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Say something about gay babies.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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