Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
