Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
