Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
