Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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