These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
