i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
