quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize