Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
