This is not my ceiling
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
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