Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
