I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
