His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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