After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
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