it wasn't lemon gatorade
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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