he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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