My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
It's rum buckets o'clock
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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