The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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