then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
