can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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