remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
